naive

the fire raging in our guts - it burnt out long ago

the dreams of getting out of here

have morphed into longing to stay

a future with no certainty - i'd trade it in a second

for a knowledge of who I'll be

what I'll do, and a permanent place

we were young, we had passion
we had dreams that we could never achieve
thought we were strong, but we were wrong
we were so naive

maybe I'm just cynical or maybe I've finally matured

idealistic dreams are good for some

but it's never been good for me

I'm still trying to hold to some form of reality

where the place that I set my feet
is the place that sets me free

and when we tried to set the world on fire

we were too consumed to even see

that we were just as guilty as everyone else

that we thought that we could set free

Summer Vacation = One Week

Finished what equates to being my fourth semester of school. Couple credits short of being a junior due to the restrictions I had on my first semester. I do get the joys of taking a full load this semester to catch up. By spring I will be 6 credits short of senior status. Its a shame that doesn't really make a difference since I will still have to go 4 full years due to the layout of Malone's program.

Somedays, I'm really glad I'm back in school. Some of those days make me feel like I'm going so far back in time and having to put life off. Its like I was told at COTL before... I just need to learn to deal with the menial tasks until I get fully in depth with my major and my desires.

That's a funny thought though... "my desires." A few years ago I would have scoffed at that notion. What do my desires have to do with anything besides being to chase after God and letting his desires matter. It seems I have so many more desires now... Not desires that exclude God, just in addition. I still have a hard time reconciling those. Is it okay to desire to to meet my girlfriend's needs and try to put her in an important place? Is it okay to desire a job that uses my attributes to their fullest? Is it okay to desire a place to worship where I'm not just worshipping but involved in the dirtiness of people's lives and them in mine?

I can't wait to take a break from around here and go visit my best friend in the world; even if he doesn't have a phone to answer my call or call me back...hopefully he sends me a message telling me the weekend of June 10th is a good weekend!

love

I've been searching endless nights for You

straining to hear You respond

and I've been hoping for gentle reassurances

that one day my pain will be gone

despite my regrets I always seem to find

that I am no further than

than where I started, well maybe that's not true

I just realize more clearly I'm not with You

I have been trying to find love

in everyone I meet

but You are enough

for You ARE love.

Sometimes there's a desire that runs deep inside of me that I'm not quite sure what to do with. Ever since I can remember music has been a huge part of my life. From walking around the house singing any song I could think of to playing in bands to leading worship. Even though I have felt God's call towards a Social Work degree, some days I cannot shake the feeling of music being a part of my future. I have no clue to what extent, but I question whether it is something other than worship on Sunday mornings. Not that it would be something "greater" than that, just something different...though maybe something similar. I have no clue.

We are creatures of an artistic God and through us flows his creativity. When we stop creating, we become destructive and sinful. We can only fulfill our purpose if we are willing to escape the doldrums of every day life and use the nature of God to birth his spirit; and let's be honest, music from the heart in direction towards God is a calling of his spirit.

Be a Tool

Q - What do I do well?

A - Avoid saying positive things about myself out of fear of sounding full of myself.

Anyone who has known me for a time knows that I have a problem with seeing the good things I do. For the longest time while being a youth leader at Church of the Lakes I didn't really see it as something I was "good" at. It's just where I ended up and what I ended up doing. I didn't feel like somehow there was something "good" about how I did things. Leading music, I knew I felt good about it. When someone would either thank me afterwards or say they enjoyed worship, I felt awkward. Most people would see this as a validation of what they were doing, I felt it was attention (maybe recognition is a better word) that I did not deserve. In a way, I still feel that answer is valid. We do not deserve the recognition for what we do, but all glory belongs to God.

I felt the same way when it came to teaching Sunday School for the Post-High School/College age. I did not feel as though I was an adequate teacher. And as a leader on retreats, I felt I had nothing really to offer. But after visiting a few times with the youth either to stop by to say "Hi" on a Wednesday night or driving up to a retreat and seeing how excited some were to see me, how great of a tie there was between us, I have realized something - at the risk of sounding prideful, I was good at these things. Though it was more than that. I allowed God to make me good at those things. Whether I realized it or not, I opened myself up to what he wanted me to do and where he wanted me to be. I didn't question. I just did what was in front of me with the heart God asked me to.

I feel sometimes as though I have lost that. Since starting school, I have been focused on the idea of the future and what will come and how do I get there. I've let the "FUTURE" of how to follow Jesus get in the way of the "NOW" of following Jesus. And I feel like I am probably not alone in this notion. We are creatures of planning. But it was when I tried to abandon future planning that I felt closest to God. Telling someone in a role above you that they do not need to worry so much because God will work things out and being a calming voice. That was the "now" of following Jesus. Picking up a man in a wheel chair when he dropped his groceries and giving him a ride home every week. That was the "now" of following Jesus. Figuring out ways to help kids get to retreats...the "now" of following Jesus.

The amazing part of the "now" of following Jesus is that whether or not you think you are good at what you are doing... it is GOOD. What Jesus has called us to do is inherently good and as long as we follow God's will, we can't be bad at it. So, we thank him for the love we get to show others. The GOOD that we get to show the world like a light from a city on a hill, the example for the world.

Let's humbly remember that God gives us abilities according to his will.

*disclaimer* - not an exercise in pride, but a reminder that God makes the people who follow his way GOOD. Not because we are good at what we do, but because his way is, in itself, good.

ps - sorry for being scatterbrained.

simplicity

It amazes me that the title or subject is always the first field to enter text. As if somehow a title could be made up before the body. That in any way a single sentence or phrase should be able to define what you allow to flow through your writing. Not even just define what you write, but to encase it. Placing parameters on your thoughts.

Who could deny a title having its place? It labels a work; it helps us to decide whether we want to invest our time to read what has been said. It allows us to make a snap judgement on whether or not we think that what will follow will be worth our attention or something of utter uselessness. To allow us to place an emotion within ourselves before we even get to the context. Pre-conceiving meanings before even truly knowing the subject matter.

We just people by their titles all the time. Labeling is just easier than getting to know the context of a person. People take on the titles of : parent, farmer, president, and enemy. Without questioning the title given, we embrace and let the emotion of that title carry our opinion to what we have been taught to think it means; whether through experience, social conditioning, or innate intuition. Are we willing to look past the titles of not only works, but of the titles given to people? While it is of our nature to judgement by what we perceive by the outward appearance of others, can we strive to view the worth of others as God does?

When it comes down to it, titles may be liberating in a way of finding what we are interested in. But at what cost? We reject the notion that we could learn from what is different. There is only one title in which we need to view people "made in the image of God." And that is a simple, but beautiful title.

Life is a Blur (or Song2)

The irony of starting a blog while being bored is not lost on me. It’s 1:15am and I am deciding to document some sort of hidden narcissism. Now, I have no idea what exactly I am going to write about. I could just being starting something that I will never touch. I may or may not keep it updated.

Here’s the first though.

There’s a new chapter in life starting that I am not quite sure how prepared I am to encounter. For the first time in five years I will be going to school. Starting January 11th, I will be attending classes at Malone University in order to pursue a degree in social work. Where that degree will take me, I am not quite sure. What I do know is that I am feeling God calling me into a life of service for others. It’s a scary call, but it is just the exact type of life that a christian is meant to live.

Matthew 25 tells us that God will separate us based upon our actions towards those who need our help. James 2 explains how our faith and deeds are not separate but are tied together. We can talk about what we believe, but if we don’t have love than we are just resounding gongs (1 Cor. 13). So how do I live it out? This is the direction I am feeling called to follow.

Where does this lead me? I am not sure. I am trying to keep an ear out for where God is directing me. It could be to work in a juvenile detention center or with the homeless or high risk youth in a counselor position or even just coordinating different churches and organizations to work together. I have no clue.

It will be a fun ride though. Stressful, I am sure, but fun will be had. Joys and sorrows shared. So, here’s to the next step.